The beauty of Teaching
I have been struggling with teaching.
It is interesting to see how difficult for me it is to admit. I recently realised that there was shame in this struggle which I try so hard to silent. Perhaps I don’t want to admit it to myself out of pride, or out of fear of failure. So here I am, speaking my truth; I am struggling with teaching.
The difficulty I experience at the moment does not take away the love I have for it, nor do I question it, ever. I deeply know now and forever that my Dharma is to guide, give and gather; in whatever form that might be. And exactly because there is no option to give up on teaching the struggle really weighs on me.
After a magical training in Bali a few weeks ago I have been feeling lost. Full but lost. So full actually that it left me drowning in all the knowledge, the magic, the Gold.
I am aware that it is only a struggle because I made it so - but a challenge does not have to be a struggle, ever. Coming back into teaching was such a joy and honour; I could breathe better. However, once the class is over, the fear of not living up to the teachings I have received keeps suffocating me. Underneath the pure joy and the pure love I experience as I open and close our sacred space, lies a deep fear.
I worry about not saying enough, then about saying too much. But mostly, I worry about stepping on one’s silence and stealing their experience away just because my experience of Yoga is so profound that I want everybody else to feel it.
I worry that there is too much of me, and not enough room for the Divine to visit every soul of the class. These fears are new, they came with teaching and the more I learn, the heavier they get.
And if today I decided to write about it, it is partly thanks to the graceful@christinelovesyogawho led a beautiful class. She did not know how much I needed to hear my chest crack but still offered me a series of backbends. The invisible hand of Yoga had struck again - hearing my request without having to say a word.
This morning, I felt my mind dropping down into my heart, and it was a very, very comfortable place to be in. Fears cannot birth in the space of the Heart, it is the most protected, divine place one can be. But the space of the mind is so known to me, so familiar that I tend to get stuck in it for too long.
So teachers, in case some days you are full of doubts, know that I do too. And students, if you feel that a teacher is a bit “off” today, please remember that you have in front of you someone who is -hopefully- doing their best. Someone who has to deal with the challenge of keeping their own practice while guiding other’s ones. It is my biggest challenge to date and the closest to my heart too. I will wear the delicious responsibility of serving like a skin for as long as I breathe, for as long as I practice.
With the pure intention to help you see that within your spine are held the most beautiful altars you can ever bow down to,
Please receive my love,
Forever devoted to you